Imaginary Friends & Pretend Play

John has a whole 'team' of imaginary friends these days.

Gabriel is the first one.  He is older than John (Katie's age in fact).   Gabriel manages a fantasy baseball team.  John is one of the players on Gabriel's fantasy team.  Every day, John tells me if Gabriel benched him for playing bad or if he hit home run and gave Gabriel lots of points.  John will put himself on the DL (Disabled List) or let me know if he is DTD (Day to Day).  He has also pointed out that there are some days when Gabriel wants to trade him. Gabriel is always getting to do things and go places.  If we are going to a baseball game, Disneyland, or grocery shopping, John will tell me that we will get to see Gabriel there because his mom is taking him there too.  He will greet Gabriel at the location and have conversations with him.  He pretends to get text messages and phone calls from Gabriel.

Marvin is another imaginary friend.  Marvin is Gabriel's cousin.  When Katie and John need more players for their game, Marvin shows up.  Marvin is going into Kindergarten, just like John. As time goes on, it seems that wherever Gabriel is, Marvin eventually joins him.

Sarah is John's imaginary girlfriend.  I think Katie had some influence in creating this one.  When I ask John about Sarah, he tells me she is older than him.


Katie and John play make believe all the time.  I bring this up in today's blog because there was a time when John didn't have imaginary play.  Earlier in our journey, I would be asked by therapists and evaluators if John had the ability to imaginary play.  I remember believing that he did because I saw him one time get into our closet and pretend it was an elevator, but for the most part, it was the only example I could ever think of. 

Now the concern is whether or not he will grow out of the imaginary friend as he grows and develops.  Katie had an imaginary friend named Aubreen that still pops up every once in awhile and has companions in her stuffed animals.  When Katie was 4 or 5, she introduced us to Aubreen's brother,  Caden.  Caden was blamed for everything Katie did wrong.  Daddy had to kick him out of the house.  Katie never brought him back, even though Aubreen was still an integral part of her imaginary play.

With Katie, the imaginary friend surfaced when we moved into a new home.  With John, it seemed to be related to a real Gabriel at his school, who would be really friendly one day and then the next, tell John he didn't want to play with him.  I think it was his way in controlling Gabriel's actions.

Kids on the autistic spectrum often have difficulties with imaginary play.  Oftentimes a child with autism has difficulty determining how to use common objects, like a hairbrush or spoon. They often have to be "taught" how to use it. But, they have an even greater difficulty in using them in pretend play.  For example, a typical developing child can pick up a spoon and pretend it's a microphone or use a cardboard box and pretend it's a car.  Many autistic children wouldn't have the ability to pretend in this way.   When testing for autism, an evaluator may give the child a doll and a hairbrush and tell them to use the brush on the baby.  They may give them a doll and a piece of doll furniture and ask the child to put the doll to bed.  The absence of pretend play skills is an indication of autism. Many on the spectrum can only think in concrete terms and more often than not, pretend play skills are very abstract.


Many people have heard about the idea that an autistic child just lines up toy cars.  The idea behind this is that the child sees the toy for what it's made up of, not exactly what it is.  So, they look at the colors, the wheels, how it works, the details... instead of the fact that they can push it and move it and pretend they are driving a real car.  So, the autistic child is lining them up, grouping them, creating patterns, and using them more in a realistic, concrete way, not in the abstract play way.


Play is important because children learn, negotiate, grow, and communicate through play.  Social relationships are gained through play.  Social relationships are hard for children on the spectrum. Oftentimes, social skills have to be taught to these children for them to function on a day-to-day basis.  Things that typical developing kids pick up naturally have to be taught to the autistic child.

With regards to imaginary friends and whether it's healthy or not, many argue that in children, it's perfectly healthy and helps to develop a self esteem.  Concern is usually taken when a teenager develops an imaginary friend or a child plays with the imaginary friend at school instead of his peers.  Imaginary friends are often used for comfort or loneliness when other 'real' friends are not around, often in the home.  Children love fantasy and imaginary friends are part of a fantasy game.  Once the child matures, they will keep their 'friend' more as a fond memory of childhood than a reality of someone with them.

I found this on a website called www.wisegeek.com
"Some parents become concerned when an older child continues to cling to the idea of an imaginary friend. They worry that the child is unable to tell the difference between fantasy and reality, or that the child is developing unhealthy habits associated with his or her imaginary companion. Most of these concerns are unnecessary; the majority of children who have imaginary friends are aware that these friends are not real. Children also do not tend to blame their imaginary friends for bad behavior; more often than not, imaginary companions are role models to the children who invented them.
Problems arise when a child of any age prefers the company of an imaginary friend to spending time with his or her peers. Many children who form imaginary friendships are extroverted and naturally very social, and therefore do not have trouble forming similar bonds with other children in the real world. If a child has no other friends besides the imaginary companion, however, then that child may be using the imaginary friend to combat feelings of loneliness and isolation. Exclusively preferring imaginary companions to real ones may also be an indication of reduced social skills, so children who show these preferences should be encouraged to try new activities and meet new potential playmates."